you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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