My Higher Power is John Stamos
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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