He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I would ride that face into the sunset
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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