I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
