dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
