The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
