Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
my being single is dangerous.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
