after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
