just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
