I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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