My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
