Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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