i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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