Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
