the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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