a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
