I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I did not marry a roomba.
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