Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
