oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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