I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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