Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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