I feel like abortions should bother me more
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
