Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
