just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
