I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
