You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
