I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
