Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize