I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
