well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
