I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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