Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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