The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
