I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
