You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
