did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
