At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
