He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
