i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
