Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
