Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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