i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
