I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
