If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
