did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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