My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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