Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
