so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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