I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
