I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
