Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
