I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize