My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she smelled like a LAN party
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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