on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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