You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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