I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
