I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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