well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
