So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
