I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
