the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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