Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
